[ to be kicked when you're down to feel like you've been pushed around ]

you might think i'm happy ; Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Oh my... What now???...

Track: Measure of A Man... (Clay Aiken)
Time: 2205hrs...
Status: Tiredzzzz....
Feelings: Confused... Anxious... Fear...
Quote: Fear is in the eye of the beholder...

Today... Not a good day... Sort of... Well... It's like... I couldn't get Evelyn's number before the rumour spread... That's crap larz... Wah lau wehhhzzz... :'(

Veronica and Qi Yun came up to me in the morning... Then suddenly, they were like, AO1... I'm like... "Oh shit....."... Then I hid my face behind, or in my hands rather... The next most unbelieveble thing happened... Both of them headed over to AO1 to find out who that girl was... I was like, "oh noooooo"... I saw Evelyn from where I was, she was walking back and forth from her class... I so wanted to go up and get her number... Somehow, I couldn't... Haizzz... I don't know where to put my face already larz...

Then, saw them in physics lecture... Sitting opposite me in the Lecture Theatre... After the lecture, they came over and started chanting "AO1, AO1"... I'm like... -_-" Dunno lar... Then, 3 girls sitting in front of me turned around and joined in the teasing... The ironic thing was, I didn't know them...

Now I dunno what to do... Seriously... I really want to get to know her better... Then again... I don't want to be a distraction to both her and my own studies... I'm aiming so high...

1) 4As + 2 "s" Papers + A2 GP + A1 MT'AO' + A in PW
2) Student Council
3) CLT (after 49th intake)
4) Religious Class...

Urgh!!!... I really want to get to know her better... I really want to get to know her better... I really want to get to know her better... Damn... See how... Haha... Anyways... Chaozzz...

but i'm not going to be ok ; 10:42 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Saturday, April 02, 2005

Crush or Short Term Feeling??

Track: If I Let You Go... (Westlife)
Time: 2116hrs...
Status: Exhausted but contented...
Feelings: Lotsa mixed emotions... Amongst all, nervous...
Quote: Love is the irressitable desire to be irresistably desired...

Well... I know this blog is safe from public viewing totally... Except from Isna, Sharon... And Ariff... Well guys... Dilemma here... I think I like this new girl... Got to know her during Orientation... She's an OGL mentioned in my goldenheart blog... Evelyn... I guess it's due to the fact I like her sweet smile and gentle character based on first impression... She was also a great partner to work with during the demonstration for the Fun Dance... Very enthusiastic and energetic...

The thing is, she's taking 4As too... Same as me... She's in Arts stream, taking Pure History + Pure Literature + Economics + C Maths (9233)... I'm just worried about a few things...

1) I don't want to be a distraction to her studies, as I do want to see her excel too...

2) Rejection is definetly prone...

3) Furthermore, I'll throw my face if I woo a girl who already has a boyfriend... :s
"TouchWood"

4) If it's short term and my feelings for her wear off... Then, I don't want to hurt her feelings...

5) She's such a nice girl that I know will be a great person, companion, partner to have by my side through the battle to A-levels and beyond... WHERE TO GET THE COURAGE????... Damn...

I can show you guys the picture I took with her... Her smile can just make me melt... *haizz

If I Let You Go (Westlife):

Day after day
Time pass away
N' I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows
I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I can't find
The courage to show
To letting you know
I've never felt so much love before

And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me (oh yeah)
How will I know
If I let you go

Night after night
I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away
There's no one like you (no one like you)
You speak to my heart (speak to my heart)
Its such a shame we're worlds apart
I'm too shy to ask
I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I gotta choose

And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me (oh yeah)
How will I know
If I let you go

If I let you go (ooh baby)

Once again i'm think about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go
I will never know
What my life would be
Holding you close to me
Will I ever see
You smiling back at me (oh yeah)
How will I know
If I let you go

What to do????... Haizz... So uncertain...

but i'm not going to be ok ; 9:47 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Personal issues....

Track: Complicated... (Avril Lavigne)
Time: 2002hrs...
Status: A bit dazed, gonna eat dinner soon.... Maybe...
Feelings: Slightly stressed, exhausted... Lonely?...
Quote: A true friend is one who will only get in your way when you're falling...

Well... Dad going for his treatment soon... HOnestly, I'm feeling kinda scared... Can just leave it all to Him... All in his hands... I remembered... My dad did mention... "If He takes me back, I'll leave you all in his hands..." It was sorta painful for me la... Something like a "last resort" wish... As though it's inevitably over... This fight is over... Cancer... The same thing that took my grandma 2 years back... Might be the same thing to remove my dad from my life... Haiz... This is the only place I can safely blog out my feelings... So concealed only the closest souls will know about this torment...

Will it tear up my life?... Tear me up inside?... Tear me down after how far I've come?... Tear me away from reality?... Tear me into depression?... So many questions... So little answers... Well... Another issue...

Yesterday, had chats... Both stressful yet eye-openers to me... Issues relating to boy-girl relationships... First was someone... Who felt tied down because of his relationship... He cares a lot for her (his gf) but then, somehow... He prefers them to be at a level which is close, but no emotions involved... That was difficult... Hope he's doing okie with it... (Reminds me of my friendship with Isna... :D A true friend worthwhile)... Another one... A chat with one of my new friends... Learnt that, something that is good, might not be totally good... Take honesty for example... Honest feelings... Sounds good right?... Yah, but then... If your boyfriend/girlfriend is honest to you that he/she likes another person and thinks you're not compatible, wouldn't that hurt?... On the other hand, what about living in a relationship that is a complete lie?... Which one would hurt more?... Though both will eventually hurt... Lotsa stuff at the back of my mind... But well... More important stuff to think of... So, I'll end here... Thanks to those close friends who drop by here to read this... Shall keep you updated on how my dad's doing...

but i'm not going to be ok ; 8:38 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Tuesday, February 08, 2005

What now... ?

Track: I Surrender... (Sita)
Time: 1326hrs...
Status: Trying to lay back and work things out...
Feelings: A bit confused... Haiz...
Quote: Trust is letting your partner know your deepest fears, troubles and insecurities knowing they'll be safe with him/her...

What now?... I've admitted to Khalisah that I do have a crush on Azura... Then again, what I've told Cik Salbiah... My heart does cry out for Amirah... I'm much stronger from the past experience... So confused sey... Isna... Well... You saw me being cold just now, when we went back to CTSS... I think you do realise that Amirah was trying to get my attention... But I tak layan... Inside, I'm just toying with my feelings... Haiz... Again... "The Guiding Light"... Nurul Amirah VS Nur Azura... Urgh!!!... Maybe I'm just making this too big an issue... I miss the good times with Amirah... I seriously do... On the other hand, I can't wait to have more good times with Azura... Gosh... Never thought I'd feel this way... So soon...

The thing is, I've not admitted to Azura yet... That's the good thing... Maybe I can work on re-building me and Amirah... But... Haiz... One part of me says forget her and leave her... After what she's done to you... Coming back can make us emerge stronger... Winning her back won't be easy... Cik Salbiah did mention that to me... More effort and sacrifice... But well... Which relationship doesn't need sacrifice right?... Isna!!!!!... Haiz... Help me out with this kayz?... After your trip...

but i'm not going to be ok ; 1:42 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Saturday, January 29, 2005

Deep down in me...

Track: Too Serious Too Soon... (Gareth Gates)
Time: 1720hrs...
Status: Pondering over how to correct what was wrong...
Feelings: A bit down, but I know I won't think too much...
Quote: Don't doubt your beliefs and believe your doubts...

Well... I've sent the latest e-mail (to her mom)... It's not a decision, more of a choice... Let it happen naturally... It takes time for some things to subside... Here's the content...

Cik... Something I seriously have to admit...

My latest e-mail to you... was sent in a state of hassle... I know I've stated that I don't want to be mentioned anymore... But deep down... Cik... I'm willing to give another shot to win her heart... This time, I'm ready to face any risks...

I know Cik might think I'm all fickle about this... And the whole moving on issue... I know I have moved on, and I feel that I am more of a complete individual now... Which is why I feel more ready to take this challenge on... a second time...

What made me admit this, Cik might ask... It's due to the simple fact that I still strongly care for her... And from her latest blog entries, the tension level in her seems to be drastically increasing... Generally, I can't bear seeing any of my friends in a dire state... If it's within my effort to help and make them feel better, I will do it... This case, yeah...

However, this time, I think it'll be much slower... There's nothing to rush into... I'm still adapting to my hectic schedule and I can see that generally, most of the sec 3s are still trying hard too... Oh... More updates... Hahaz... I'm undergoing selection to be part of the Orientation 2 (March intake of JC1s) planning committee... I've passed the first round... Just completed the second round... Hope I can make it through... This O² is considered to be a CCA... Pioneer JC is turning out to be a blast... I'm interacting with more people and enjoying myself in the process...

So... I think now, the tendency of me staying in PJC is raised to 50%-50%... Hope my O-level results permit me to... And I've gotten the date... 28th February 2005, release of my O-level results... I'm both nervous and excited... Hehe...

That's all for now Cik... Hear from Cik soon...

Wasalam
Muhammad Khalis

Well... This time, I know that it'll be an even harder challenge... The important thing is, I believe in myself and stay true... Isna!!!... Sorry for making and spinning you round and round... This is what I'm going to pursue... The recovery might take more time, but I know this is what I want... It's not about turning around... It's about moving on into something realistic... Like mentioned above... I'm more than ready... Hope to get your support... LX's support is already there... I'll take this in my own stride... Khalis out...

but i'm not going to be ok ; 5:29 PM

you might think i'm happy ; Saturday, January 22, 2005

Bye bye bye...

Track: Bye bye bye... (N'Sync)
Time: 0907hrs...
Status: Laming around... LOL...
Feelings: Haha... I can't tell... BLEHZ...
Quote: Everything happens for a reason...

Hmmm... Typical Saturday... Slack day, you can also call it...

She's currently online... But I can't be bothered to start a chat with her... Nothing to talk about anyway... *shrugs* Isna, I think you're right... I loved her endlessly but she wasn't there for me... I know that I can't take no more, it ain't no lie... Thanks for always hearing me out on this issue... I guess it drags on and on... By the way eL, if you come online, you're free and have time to spare, check out my yahoo mail again yeah?... Alritey... Haha... I'm glad to see you and Dan are getting along fine... As in through your latest entries... And work's been great too I presume?... Heh...

Hmmm... Only 2 people know this webbie... Lolz... But it's okie... Isna & LX... I think one more might be on the way... A new friend, fun and cool to hang out with... Nothing much lar... Healing still in progress!!!... Hahaz... I'm starting to smile more... That's a great sign... =) Okie people!!!... Khalis OUT!!!

but i'm not going to be ok ; 9:17 AM

you might think i'm happy ; Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Vision... Or illusion of confusion?...

Track: The Road I'm On... (3 Doors Down)
Time: 2012hrs...
Feelings: Mixed... Plain neutral...
Status: Blogging, then eat, then mug on homework...
Quote: With great power, comes great responsibility...

This... I don't know what to say... But I'll be frank about it... I saw Amirah's mom in my dream... I saw, and I also heard her voice... This is the second time such an incident has occured... Well... The main words I could make out I "heard" in my dream were, "She still loves you... Please don't go..."... It was something like that... Then, her mom took a step back and Amirah appeared... She had an earnest and pleading look, as though to give her a second chance... All this happened in a dark and bleak background... So... What do you guys think?... Honestly, I don't know what to feel... If it's a vision of the future, I think I can accept it... Then again, I don't think I'll think too much on this... I'll stop here for now... Peeps... Give me your opinion yeah?... If you guys sorta know or can read dreams or something... Thanx... Update soon...

but i'm not going to be ok ; 8:23 AM